Note: this is a slightly rewritten version of a post from a few years ago.
It's been awhile since I ranted about anything but the weather, and that's getting freakin' boring. I'll skip the winter weather stuff because I'm over it.
I got my Burpee catalog so it means Spring is coming. :)
Anyway, tonight are the "Oscars". I will be DVRing it, while periodically checking it live. DVRing it is the way to go because I hate all the extra stupid crap the presenters have to go through, and the inane commercials. Will probably get through the whole show in under an hour. Neil Patrick Harris, the jury is still out on whether you come back next year from what I've seen. Makes it easy to skip over all the stupid speeches and performers I've never heard of, then pause and rewind to see any hot guys and what all the bitches are wearing. We DVR the Voice and get through it in less than 15 minutes and still hear everything.
Now if you really follow any of these so-called "stars" or care about what any of them think or feel, or otherwise give two shits about who wins, and/or are easily offended, STOP READING NOW.
Personally, I don't think there is a real "star" left. The big, real, genuine Hollywood Stars are all gone. (Clark Gable, Charlton Heston, Cary Grant, Vivien Leigh, Bette Davis, Richard Burton, Joan Crawford, Hedy Lamarr, Elizabeth Taylor, John Garfield, June Allyson, Robert Mitchum, Burt Lancaster, Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire...) They were REAL stars, not the likes of the horrible KarTrashians, or the disgusting Oprah or the repulsive Rosie.
If I really thought it mattered, or I had anything to do with this show, I would enforce the following rules,
RULES: NO exceptions unless you are one of the Real Stars coming back from the dead, which is pretty highly unlikely.
1. Refrain from heavy drinking and/or drug use before going to the ceremony, and at least LOOK or ACT yes act, like you want to be there.
2. You have lots of money, for the love of Beelzebub, go GET YOUR HAIR DONE. If you're a guy, and want to carry off the "scruffy" look, please at least make it a CLEAN scruffy look. You can look scruffy and sexy, all you gotta do is take a bath and comb your hair. Really. Next, buy a MIRROR and USE IT. If you want to wear a strapless gown, maybe you should have something to hold it up with, and make sure you don't have to keep hiking it up every five seconds. NOT classy. And if you think a deep v-neck gown showing your boobs being flattened down is attractive, look again. It's NOT. If you're wearing high heels, take some lessons on how to properly walk in them.
Rule 2A: Hey Jennifer Aniston: You're a beautiful woman. You wore a beautiful dress. If you would have bothered to comb your hair, or maybe had it in an updo, and wore some borrowed jewelry, you would have been a knockout. But you didn't, so you weren't.
3. Have the writers refrain from the corny shit that could have been written by your sixth grader. Nobody needs to see you fake flirt with your co-presenter. Please act a little dignified, even if you aren't.
4. Introduce presenters. Presenter, get up there, read the damn nominees without pretending YOU'RE going for the damn award. Cameraman, pan the audience for the nominees. Presenter, announce the winner without the pregnant "american idol" pause. We don't need it. Winner, get up, wave to everyone, smile, go to podium, accept your award graciously and with some class. Smile again, say Thank You and GO SIT DOWN.
5. Try to remember that no one gives a shit who you voted for. I don't want to hear how much you love Obama, the Kennedys, or hate the Bushes. I don't want to hear you speechify about Isis, slavery, jails, Guantanamo Bay. I don't want to hear about it. Not the time or the place. I don't give a shit about how you love every politician, and don't care if you slept with half of them. I don't care to hear about your views on crime, gun control, how much you hate conservatives, immigration, the economy, the deficit, the war, gay marriage or anything else. Just say "Thank You" in 25 words or less and GO SIT THE F**K DOWN.
This would make the Oscars so much more tolerable. Cut the shit, singers get up and sing. Presenters, get up and present. Winners, say thanks and SIT DOWN.
And there you have it. I feel so much better. Goodnight.
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