I just returned from an eight day vacation in Tampa, Florida with my friend of 42 years, Donna. We flew down, rented a car, drove to Palm Coast to see Carmen, drove to Orlando to see Fawn and family, drove to Altamont Springs to see one of Donna's godsons, and drove back to Tampa. Everyone we visited extended hospitality, food, and good will. In fact, they all spoiled us rotten.
OK so much for the good stuff.
As I have ranted in the past, I hate flying. Not the act of flying in itself, but the whole travel experience of having to leave for the airport at 7:30 am, sit in traffic to get to the airport two hours early, pay to check luggage, wait in line, hike to a gate, wait some more, then board an airplane leaving at noon. Now that is only the beginning.
The airline (American/US Air) does NOT enforce the baggage limit and size. As a result, people board the plane, power lift their 400 pound TOO LARGE suitcase into an overhead bin. This holds everyone else up. Reverse it when you try to get out of the damn plane, when you have to wait for the inconsiderate bastards to get out their 400 pounds of shit. Especially if you have to make a connecting flight. This, and having to cram your 20 inch ass into a 14 inch seat and fight with an impossibly twisted seatbelt.
We, therefore, would love someone to invest in our brilliant idea, for an airline fitted to OUR specifications, and cut us in on the profits. I know this would be popular, especially with those of us who are a bit oversized (in other words, bigger than a size 14) and are sick of all of the above. So:
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Welcome to DOUCHE BAG AIR...
- Our airline will have NO classes of seating. All seats will be at least 20 inches wide, so you don't have to cram a 20 inch ass into a 14 inch seat. The seatbelts will be big enough to not strangle you to death. Our tickets and seats will be color coded: blue ticket, you may pick any blue seat, and so on. You can trade seats with any willing passenger.
- The life saving vests and oxygen masks will be multicolored, so as not to look dull and ordinary. The aisles in this plane will be wide enough to fit two people passing one another on the way to the bathroom, which will be MUCH larger than a freakin' phone booth.
- The seats will NOT recline, so the boorish asshole in front of you cannot recline his seat into your personal space.
- There will be NO overhead bins. You will be able to check baggage, within TSA regulations, for FREE. But you will NOT carry any luggage onto this plane that doesn't fit underneath the seat in front of you. If you try to get luggage onto this plane, you will be fined $200 per bag, and the bags will be checked anyway. Don't want to do this? Well, find another airline because you are not flying DoucheBag Air. And no, you aren't getting a stinkin' refund either.
- Since you have lots of time if you've arrived at the airport two hours early, before boarding you will be treated to a fine buffet, thus eliminating the need to carry food onto this plane. You won't be served any alcohol on board, either. If you are anxious about flying, you will be offered dramamine and a nice, relaxing hot towel laced with chloroform. Sleep it off.
- If you misbehave on DoucheBag Air, you will be subject to getting your ass kicked by the rest of the passengers. This will be made abundantly clear after all the safety gobbledegook you hear. If this doesn't happen, you will either be chloroformed, or dropped into a special section of the cargo space, the "Dungeon". This is only because there was actually opposition to an unruly person being placed in a tube and shot out the ass end of the plane. There were even objections when I offered to put a parachute on the tube. Geez, some people are such buzzkills.
- Children who are misbehaving (running in the aisles, kicking the backs of others' seats) will be dropped into another auxiliary space in the cargo hold, which will be a "ball pit" like you find in Chuck E. Cheese or Ikea. Parents may join them if they wish.
- At the end of the flight, you will not be told to "Have a good day" or "Thanks for flying with us". You will be cheerily and enthusiastically told to "Have a DoucheNozzle Day!" (no I don't know what it means, but it's catchy)
"Have a 20 inch ass? Well, we don't care! Fly in comfort, with DoucheBag Air!"
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Please tell me you wouldn't be glad to fly THIS airline, after all the assholes on the regular airlines holding you up by disobeying baggage rules, invading your personal space, getting hit with freakin' beverage carts and just being inconsiderate bastards in general... etc. I could go on forever.
So if you have a few million to spare, know a commercial pilot or two, and can get access to a used jet plane, just let me know.
If it works out we will expand to include DoucheBag Transport (limo to and from airport). The possibilities are endless!
Thanks for reading, and Have A DoucheNozzle Day.
I want to be your first customer!
ReplyDeleteI see you raised the fine for luggage smuggling from $100 to $200. You also forgot the free tours of the cockpit and the possibility of sitting on the pilot's lap for part of the flight. Only on DB Air.
ReplyDelete